Men in the Light
Shadows tempt us to hide, but the light of Christ sets us free.
This fall, our men’s ministry is reading through Fighting Shadows by Jon Tyson and Jeff Bethke (hereafter T&B). “Christian manhood” is a fraught topic where perils and pitfalls are many, and sane voices are few. This one has a lot of good: it’s level-headed about biblical versus cultural expectations of masculinity, and a good combination of gracious (encouraging honesty and confession) and bracing (encouraging the courageous pursuit of growth).
I recently led a discussion of the introduction to the book, and thought it was worth adapting here.
Shadows are personal, social, or cultural forces that keep us from seeing or following God clearly.
If we need to fight something, we need to know what we’re fighting, right?
T&B define “shadows” broadly as any force that obscures our knowledge of God or ability to follow him. They may arise from our own soul, through my personal sins or weaknesses: anger, lust, or idolatry. They may come from a relationship: a parent who neglected or abused us, peers who bullied us or invited us to Pleasure Island. They may also come from cultural forces, like the low-level antagonism toward masculinity on the left or the BAPism of the far right. All of these can distort our view of God, ourselves, and what it means to live faithfully as a man.
And it’s tempting to play the blame game with these, but one of my coworkers shared this recently and it applies well here. The shadows we face may or may not be our fault; but how we deal with them is our responsibility. I may have generated my own shadow or had it cast on me, but it’s on me to deal with that in a way that brings me closer to the light. I’m going to need help from God and my community; but healing starts with owning.
Shadows tempt us to live out deformed versions of masculinity.
T&B go on to catalogue common ways that our shadows tempt us to live out masculinity in unhealthy ways. They can be foolishly active (the first two) or foolishly passive (the second), but all of them miss something vital about being a godly man.
1. Overreact through aggressive, defiant stereotypes of masculinity
This is the Andrew Tate, toxic manospheric “screw you” approach to difficulties: to become so strong, aggressive, and dominant that no one is going to mess with me. This pushes the good strength, courage, and even aggression of manhood to selfish extremes, channeling energy to dominate instead of serve others.
2. Stress by anxiously striving for achievement or praise
We might respond to this by some form of workaholism – a constant striving for worldly, social, or even churchly success, not driven by love or humility but by the desperate desire for praise or self-approval. Rather than ever resting in God or genuinely loving others, we sprint from task to task to build a resume that proves we’re worth something.
3. Shut down by becoming passive
We might respond by just shutting down – ducking our heads and drifting through life, maybe nodding along to voices we don’t agree with. This is the “men without chests” image Lewis describes vividly: men with no courage, no willingness to oppose cultural winds they feel are wrong, but who lie down so they might be left alone.
4. Medicate by seeking distractions or addictive pleasures
We might also just numb out: to alcohol or drugs, but also to social media or video games or online gambling. We just look for things to dull our anxieties and anger, our sense of something needing to change, rather than face our problems.
I’ve had seasons of life where I was guilty of most of these (I’ve never been an option 1 guy, but definitely know the others). Fighting our shadows starts with recognizing which of these we’re tempted to adopt, and understanding, in T&B’s words:
We become true men in and through the light of Christ.
Our shadows tempt us to hide, either by becoming passive or by faking being better off than we are. But true redemption starts with stepping into the light of Christ through 1) vulnerable honesty and 2) living into his vision of love, holiness, virtue, and wisdom.
5 This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. 6 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:5-9)
Vulnerable honesty
For Christians, healing begins with confession. We all have shadows; and we all have sin. In John’s words, pretending otherwise is dishonest both with others and with ourselves. We start by acknowledging exactly who and where we are, to a group of men we trust.
But the point of this isn’t to beat ourselves up; it’s to begin experiencing true grace. John says that if we confess, God is faithful and just to forgive and to cleanse. God’s heart of hearts is the father waiting for the Prodigal Son to come home, always. He is willing to forgive as much as we’re willing to confess.
Living into his vision for masculinity
God’s grace includes the grace of forgiveness; it also includes the grace of transformation that we call sanctification. If we put ourselves into God’s light, God’s light will start working on us. He might strengthen us, redirect us, or cut out something in us that feels painful, but he will begin re-creating us to live more faithfully into his vision for us. Living in his light includes learning what he says about what it means to be a man (and a Christian), and making choices that align our lives more fully with that vision. This too is best done in a community of men who can encourage us, pray for us, help us, and challenge us when need be; but there is hope for real transformation and growth in his hands.